The Big Leap

My sleep broke sometime in the morning and I tried closing my eyes to get back to sleep. After a while of trying I wasn’t still able to sleep. So I stretched out and grabbed my mobile, and without looking at the time started playing candy crush thinking it will put me to sleep. I was wishing if I had few more lives or crossed a level, as then I could have played until I fell asleep but no luck.

When I finally noticed, it was 4.40 AM and despite trying for another 20 minutes I wasn’t able to go back to sleep. I got up and went out to the adjoining room to realise that it was dawn already, pristine sun rays bringing life to everything they touched.

As I looked out at the avenue, from my window I decided to go for a run. “Yes A Run”.

I wouldn’t call myself a lazy person, because I am not one. However would have to admit that when it comes to any physical workout I have never been the most enthusiastic person around. For the past few days I have been trying running, and every time I did reasonably for a small distance before giving up.

Today I wanted to make sure that I stick to a discipline and not do things on and off as I had been doing so far.

I have been physically active but it does puts me to a little shame that I am the odd one out at my home. My father even in his late forties used to play football with boys half his age. My sister has been a gymnast in forming and while she would easily spin on tree branches, I could hardly hang in for a couple of minutes. My brother is a fitness freak and can’t live without a gym to work out even during his vacation

But it is not the case that I have never done anything at all. As a kid I practiced yoga, karate and have been doing gym and yoga in the past. But what I perhaps always lacked was discipline and consistency.

Once in school when my team was lagging at third position and I was the last person in the relay team of four, I ran so fast that we got gold!!

Another time during college, I happened to reach Delhi train station just 2-3 minutes before departure.  To add to my misery my train was on platform number 13 which was farthest from where I was standing. I had a big bag and a back pack with laptop; I grabbed both and ran like I had not run in years. I climbed the stairs, got down and started running towards my compartment, while the train had already started slowly. I am thankful to those passengers who held my big bag through the door closest to me as without their help I wouldn’t have got in. It took me five minutes to catch my breath at the end of that mad run with 20kg luggage. 

This episode made me believe that may be when it would matter I will give my best and do the undoable.

However today I wanted to do something I have been planning for so long. I quietly pulled my track suit from cupboard, wore my shoes, as it was cold outside I wanted a jacket but didn’t want to risk waking up my husband with screeching noise of drawers or make any possible noise to wake him up (to wake someone from sleep is like crime). I saw his Liverpool jacket lying handy so I grabbed it and wore it half heartedly, sipped some water and left home quietly with my set of keys.

Unlike in the evening I saw no one running outside. It was around 5.30 in the morning, as I stretched and started running. Having escaped the inertia, I felt a sense of accomplishment. As I reached closer to the distance I had run in the past, I again felt tired and slowed down. But unlike before, I picked up my spirits to stretch another 100 meters. Despite moving above my previous distance I am still ashamed to hardly to make it a mile.

Walking back towards home, I gathered all my energy and sprinted for 100 meters. When I stopped I could see my home across the boundary and wished I could jump across and did not have to walk around to reach there.

As I entered, I wondered if my husband would be awake. In that case by now he would have already realized that I have been missing and I would surprise him. But I opened the door only to find him still deep asleep. 

As I changed I hoped he would somehow find out about my great deed and applaud me. So for him to find out, I left some hints like leaving his Liverpool jacket in the drawing room and keeping  my shoes in the top most rack (which I normally insist to be kept vacant).

When my husband woke up, he was already in a hurry to get ready for his office. I hoped he would notice the puzzle I had created for him to solve. But I was not amazed that he did not. Because perhaps it is only me, who has this super observation to interpret from the position of his shoes, socks or clothes had he done something similar.

I was happy, but wanted someone to appreciate my efforts. So I ended up in writing this note just to tell my husband, how I went up against all odds and took a big leap today. 

But then I realized that when I managed to catch the train, won the relay race, left my job to get an MBA, it was not for somebody to appreciate me, or even take a note of what I did.

Because may be some times what matters is what you do for yourself and not to showcase to anyone or prove any point. And this was one amongst them where I came over my apprehension and self imposed constraints.

I very strongly believe that once you take a big leap towards something for yourself you would always land doing way better than you would have expected.

शायद

दो  मुट्ठी आसमान भी है,

थोड़ी सी ज़मीन भी है,

फिर भी सभी को,

संगेमरमर की चाह सी है !

शरीर से जुड़े छोटे से पंख भी हैं,

उड़ने की शायद क्षमता भी है,

फिर भी लंबी उड़ान के लिए,

साहस की अभी कमी सी है !

रोज़ वहीं जाना , रोज़ वहीं से आना !

इस रास्ते के तो अब पत्थर

भी पहचाने से लगते हैं !

कहीं किसी अलग जगह  जाना तो है,

बस मन बनाने की देर है !

रंग और भी होते,

संग और भी होते,

दोस्त और भी हो सकते हैं,

बस दिल मिलाने की देर है !

हम भी कुछ कर गुज़र जाएँ,

कुछ बड़ा शायद, सबसे अलग !

ये सोचते हो उमर भर तुम,

पर शायद एक शुरूवात की देर है !

Only For You

If strength is what they call it, it will be strong.

If referred as love, it will be true.

You will be mine and I shall be yours,

till the sun glows in sky and night is lit by moon.

I will be holding the candle of light,

when there is no brightness, and there is no sight.

When you are sore and your shadow shies,

in the darkest of days, in the gloomiest of nights.

There is no vice and there is no virtue.

But only people by you, or on the other side.

But there will be a wall, in your defense

and it will be guarded, by this soul forever.

There is no reason, why bother to mention.

No one has inquired and none dared to question.

As reasons are for others, and for those who treason.

The ones who are in love, need  no explanation.

Come Let's Go For A Ride.

Come let’s go for a ride
On the south coast line,
To the hills in north.
In the valleys and in the marsh land,
Where there are some forests,
And some swamps.
Come let’s go for a ride

Let’s see the rainbow,
and all the different colors of sky.
Let’s hunt for a place so peaceful,
Where we hear the swaying wind,
And the narrow river tides.
Come let’s go for a ride

Let’s look for the wonderland,
Ride on road, and muddy shallow path,
Ride in snow, ride on ice,
On the beach and the plateau,
In the greens and to the lagoon,
Come let’s go for a ride.

Let’s live in a wonderland we find.
Near the fountain and in the hills.
Where we could eat the wild fruits,
and smell the wild flowers
come lets ride to the other side.

FORGOTTEN GOOD and CLINGING BAD

On a random day, have you ever thought- GOD!!!! What am I doing, why am I here!!!  

Thinkers have so many things to think about and there is no reason or perhaps no conclusion to drive out anyway. I wish like a computer we could shut down our brain, hibernate it or may be restart it.  But you keep thinking incessantly until your brains turn sore or/ and you fall asleep.

Or maybe you are one of those no thinker types sitting in a corner on a bean bag, like another bean bag drinking beer, watching some stupid movie. Who cares if you gained 5 kgs in last 2 months and what if your waist is pushing scales beyond 40”.

Have you ever thought that life was simple sometimes but for the rest it sucks big time.

Do you remember those people who made it difficult for you? That bully who always mocked you in the class making you look stupid. That friend who betrayed you, the guy who broke your heart and the gossip monger bitch who spread rumours about you.

Well you wish they all suffer in hell, that they are roasted like pig on a barbecue and you could see all that and feel the fulfilment and joy which you are just now going through.

Ah did you just say I am a sadist. But did it not all come back to you. Weren't you flipping through the pages of your memory to compile that list of bêtes noires. You didn't even have to dust it enough as probably you know where it is.

Now what about those incidents that always bring a thankful smile on your face.

Your bike stopped on the signal, you were blocking the traffic behind, embarrassed and frantically trying to kick start it. Amid the constant honking from behind, the bike refuses to start and you start pushing it to make way for traffic. And then suddenly some random strangers lend their help seeing you struggling with it.

Or the other day, when it suddenly started pouring and you had to run for cover. Seeing you standing below the shed of the roof the owners call you in and offer you coffee. After some hesitation you drink it to your pleasant surprise you are still awake and thankful to those strangers.

Or may be the zillionth time when you can’t find your pen to fill a form in a bank you borrow it from some stranger who stops midway through his form to help you first (GOD who fills forms in the bank in this age, where are we in stone age).

Perhaps we feel they were just few lucky encounters. But what about those friends who have stood by you for years now. You would forget their birthdays every year if it was not for Facebook to remind you. But they never forget to wish you or keep in touch with sending a personal email more often then you scrap back.

It’s about what’s important, precious and more precisely the things you want to remember. If you want to remember the ugly ones I am sure you will find many miserable ones but if you really wish to know how blessed you are, it’s time you turn the other side of the coin.

A man made of mistakes

I am man made of mistakes,

the visible, unseen and the unwanted spots,

in mind, in heart and in body .

Filled with imperfection, in sound, in taste

in the inclination to wrong and dark.

Filled with the passion for new and dangerous,

and the love for hidden brutal realities.

I am no different than the falsified ego,

I grew and nurtured for years,

knowing that it was the reason of my fall,

I still saved and secured it to keep me alive.

Because as I said " I am a man made of mistakes".

However they have been

They have been similar

They have been consistent and they have been together

Because they make me who I am.

A man made of mistakes.

The Self Critical "ME"

Have you ever thought about what types of people are around you?

I have set my observation and found some people are boasting, some mediocre don’t care attitude, some are always scared of everything.  And some are so timid and sensitive that they get affected by anyone saying anything to anybody, whether or not they are even remotely connected to them.

Well is that all are the types of people in this world? Not really.

There must be a zillion types and I really don’t feel the urge to investigate into them, but yes I would for sure mention them broadly.

There were days when I use to think there exists only two kinds of people, one who exploit and the other who gets exploited. But call it my wisdom or time, I have learned that world is not only made of these two broad categories, but there are many more. However more often than not, you could hear people sulking, complaining and  crying those people for sure belong to the later of these categories (obviously this depends on the story they have narrated to you, as in the side the narrator wants to present)

Ah so here we come to the type of people who exists broadly.

To start with will be the ones who know it all category and they actually have read nothing, know nothing (seriously have no knowledge).

Ones, who actually belong to jack of all trades, as they have read it, learned it and keep learning more.

Ones who are dumb. And as they are dumb and know nothing, they would never accept that they are dumb.

Ones who are dumb but rather finds it easy to find mistakes in others.  These people are under an assumption that they can find mistake in anybody because they can.

Ones who know very little and find it easier to find mistakes in others…. And so on and so forth.

However this isn't about those people. This is about me, probably one person who needs no critic. It is by far the easiest thing  for me to get into a self critical mode and so often. Not only it is self critical, it is a unique mode where I find it so easy to relate to any dumb old movie showing three self’s (black, white and thyself).

In my case there are three self’s, one is a critic Advocate, other Defendant and a Judge.

Advocate: Why don’t you write prose?

Defender: Why should I?  I write poems.

Adv: Ha... That’s because it’s easier to write poems than prose.

Def : Well not really, it isn't so easy to write poems…. (With doubt)

Adv: That’s why you write so many of them, and which is understood by  no one ,but you.

Judge (Thinking):  Is it so… is this is why I write poems? And does no one understand them?

Adv: You don’t have any topic to write.

Def: What rubbish, I have so many topics written down in my idea notepad.

Adv: Than why haven’t you written any? May be you are afraid of making mistakes?

Def: What mistakes?

Adv: Spelling mistakes, grammar error, writing something no one understands.

Def: I can check spelling on spell check, grammar is not that of a rocket science and who said no one will understand what I write. May they do understand it, how do you know they don’t?  

Adv: Than why haven’t you written anything?

Def: Ahh.. Ahhh … I am in a process of writing, I have written two different things but I am not happy with them. I am yet to finish them.

Adv: Why haven’t you finished them?

Def: I am writing, I write… I mean I did see through them some days back. I will complete them soon.

Adv: “My lord” it is evident that the defender cannot write a prose, I rest my case.

Def: No “MY Lord”, please give me a chance, I will write something, something. …..Which people will understand?

Judge:  I give you 2 weeks to write and prove that you can. And in case you are unable to provide the court with ample evidence supporting it, it will become evident that you cannot write prose.

I don’t know what one has made out of my melodramatic narrative of me, me and me. It is very self centric, but what on this earth is not?

The only reason I wrote this is, I could defend myself again. I believe many of us get in this self critical mode.

But what is important is to also have someone defend our stand and justify why we did, what and when. It is important that we are able to answer our conscience, before we answer anyone else or even before anyone asks us a question. 

No mater whatever types we belong and are, I think it is important to be able to answer to self before anybody else.